Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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