highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
