I wish life had little blips of pornography
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
