Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
