Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
