also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize
