You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
