he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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