i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
