i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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