Betty ford says i'm here all night
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
