At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
