Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
