i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Dicks are not precious.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
