Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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