i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
