Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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