Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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