Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
