Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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