somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
