You smell like a Billy Joel song
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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