fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
