You're my little dorito
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
