he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
