You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
we're making bets on your personal life
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
