my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
