I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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