I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
