i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
