You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
