god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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