Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
