I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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