now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
