It's Friday. Sex?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
