Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
we made out on top of his cat.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
