I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
