he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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