oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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