i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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