Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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