You can't special order awesome
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
