The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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