i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
