why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Randomize
