I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
