I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
