Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
