dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
