My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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