I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
