I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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