That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
