Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
