explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
