Your face is a jimmy john
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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