get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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