life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
