There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
