Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
