I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
