You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
