you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
you mean i was at the winter classic?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
