i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
